10/20/08

Just keep busy

"For me, running is a great way to jump-start my day, boost my energy, and have a few minutes to plan and prioritize my schedule." MICHAEL DELL

It kills me not to run or be able to run. As a strong advocate of cutting thing up and not following the rules, I am staying on this strict NO-RUN clause. Why? Because JM will absolutely kill me if I did not and so will some other people. I had to cut my August month of rest short and that was because of some major races that I had thought I was critical to be at…but of course the Flyers on the team had me covered already. So this time around, since I am not running NYC Marathon, I will stick with my strict no-run clause and try to let all my injuries subside. I need to get ready for next year’s races, for this year is done and over with. Some races I may/may not do. It’s winter, I tend not to hibernate, but tend to run a whole lot more sluggishly due to the dangers and frigid cold that comes with the glories of winter: snow, frost and crisp air. My lungs tend to freeze up during this time and I am forced to take my asthma inhaler before or after my runs.

It kills me not to run due to the factors of my last few postings where things are different now. I came back to the city last night since there is nothing more that I can do and my family was around, but I need to stay clear and focus at some tasks at hand. I like to keep busy, keep my mind off of things and work. I’m a workhorse and I tend to enjoy myself more when I don’t have to ponder about different things. I know it’s weird and harsh to say, but that’s just how I am. I have to go about with the normality’s of my life and just keep pushing until the day that I finally say goodbye. That’s just how I am and in all cases, my laughter and smile sometimes hides the real me, which is hurting inside. I tend to shrug it off and whenever there is pain, laughter or a smile tends to bring me back up. The happiness in life is something that tends to hold me together and sometimes I try to be strong and not think…but memories is what brings me back, because that is all I have now.

With that all said, I go down to my grandparent’s basement. This is where all the magic had been done. My grandfather use to cook amazing things down in his little kitchen area. It was separate from the regular kitchen and his little laboratory. We (E, me and my sister) use to play down in the basement when we were little and had the most ridiculous types of stories from hide and go seek to just exploring. My grandfather use to scold us a little for being down there, but often times he would be down there with us and just laugh along with what we were doing. He was a funny man, just laughed all the time and made sure that everyone was ok. He was so care free and such a loveable man, it’s so hard to see him go. I walk down and see the areas that he once traveled, up and down the stairs during Thanksgiving, where he use to have the turkey in one oven downstairs and he would roast filet mignon and a chicken in the ovens above. He was a crazy cook and our thanksgiving dinners would be an amazing masterpiece for an army. These are just one of the things that we will dearly miss about my grandfather this coming thanksgiving and we all know that inside…he was the heart and soul of our families thanksgiving and his food and personality will definitely be missed. (sorry, I can’t stop crying while typing this…)

I stroll over some pictures that are hung up near a shelf. Most of all these pictures are of special moments in our lives. In many pictures my grandmother and grandfather look so young, so active and vibrant. It was just so sad because of the facts that my grandmother was the fragile one, we totally skipped over the fact to watch over my grandfather due to the facts that he was always the stronger one, the wiser one, the one whom always cared about others. He always had a great personality, a smile so warm that he can make anyone happy. I can only try to be that man that he was and will always try...It was just so sad to recollect all of those memories. I cried while standing there, I just couldn’t believe he was gone. I will truly miss him.

I hugged my grandmother upon my return upstairs, while she gave me a look like I was my grandfather I think. I could only wish I could represent my grandfather to my grandmother in many ways. Due to the Alzheimer’s disease, we still have not had the heart to tell my grandmother that her husband had passed away. I know it is mean, but my grandmother is a frail women and the family will consult with each other on when if we should at all to explain to my grandmother that her husband has passed away.

Gua Gua, which I called E for as long as I could remember (in Chinese this is the word for brother, but I should have called him Buew Gua, but never was able to say it, so we just called him Gua Gua, since it was easier) but Gua Gua took me to the bus stop. There I waited for the bus to take me back to the city and wallowed in tears as I cried myself to sleep and wished that the day did not happen.

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