10/18/08

Movement to no movement…

"I was born to run. I love to run. It's almost like the faster I go, the easier it becomes." MARY DECKER SLANEY

After I arrived at the hospital with E and his fiancé last night, I have now become more comfortable with seeing my grandfather. We stayed there for quite a while and held his hand. Both E and I had gotten some good responses from my grandfather as he had recognized our voices and squeezed our hands tighter than we would normally be squeezed. It was good to have that reaction and good to hold on to his hand and get a reaction from that. When we told him that we were leaving, you can see the reaction of him being restful to him having a little more hypertension in his breath.

When we left, my mother came and stayed the whole night. When we arrived this afternoon with E’s sister and found my mother still there. She had still not eaten lunch and my mother is now the one that I have been worried about. It’s a scary thing with all this and I am fearful that my whole family is taking a toll. It’s well worth it, although we are just waiting for all the members of our family to be together. It’s scary, life and death, joy and sorrow…

We stayed a while as my mother left for work and we were to go back with E’s sister. I have been use to the hospital now and this time around there was no response from my grandfather as you talked to him. Complete night and day and I have been lucky to have almost the final responses from my grandfather. That will always be with me and I will remember it. It’s sad really and in actuality both of my grandfathers have made a sacrifice to allow the freedoms of me and my family to live in the US. Remember I am one of the first generations that are born in the US…there are many things you realize about yourself when your elder leaves and there are many things you realize and similarities that you have, certain characteristics that you have never noticed that lays within them that you have. I know, it’s called genes…but you never do realize this…

As we leave the hospital, E’s sister, R leaves to go back to Albany. We pick up groceries and then head on over to pick up my sister who is coming in from California. We head on back to the hospital again, the second time that day to visit my grandfather. I hope that there is some kind of response, some kind of movement or gesture. My sister will lose it and she is a ball of emotions. I know this and can’t even be in the same room as my sister. I leave before she loses it and just is in tears, it’s one of my weaknesses that I have in life. I don’t handle situations very well, especially when they are a bit awkward to me. We stay a while and then say our goodbyes for the night. I fear the worst and am prepared for the worst. I can only do that now and really prepare myself for the full one set of this upcoming week.

In many aspects, I rather be running a marathon right now. A marathon is easy to me, it is rather enjoyable and relaxing and in some ways, I picked a very bad month to stay away from running. The release I get from running is in a ways my release from life. My own time of escape and own time for self evaluation. I think a whole lot when I run, think about everything in my life and I will only imagine what will happen next…

Family is the most important thing in my life. They are the person of who I am today, they are the people who will always be there for me. They are those who know me the best. In times like these family will always be first, and I know that all those friends out there will be there for me in the end as well. I thank you all for that.

I look out the window, pray and think…

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