2/6/10

Mirror

My philosophy on running is, I don't dwell on it, I do it. Joan Samuelson

After I reading the Yasso book last night, I cooked myself dinner and was talking to my roommate about relationships, when...peanut calls me. See I find this strange because peanut never calls me out of the blue like this...

I knew something was wrong as I answered and had no plans for the night...she was balling and I knew something was wrong. I now understand Peanut to the greatest degree as we still talk, joke and well put each other in our places.

Peanut is a very inspiring gal that is very prestigious in smarts and in running...she has that "wow" factor...but what makes her stand out amongst the rest...her confidence about her body...she can walk around naked or feeling whatever about no-one in the world...that's the kicker...but her level of intensity and energy was unmatched...

The main reason of dissociation was the fact that I had a hard time coming to terms with many things in my life (living, job, family, and relationship).

I am not the person to usually back out of things, although I knew right then and there that life was very difficult in my life and I needed to just be alone to figure things out. In many manners, I feel that I do some things best when I am alone, when I run alone...it's usually the factor of figuring things out and something or another is bothering me (or I just have no one to run with)

But yes...here is the background for you on me...

I fear commitment. There I said it! In many ways it brings up my past that I never usually write about, but I need to come to terms with it because I do need to move on...

This goes way back to High School...

Ready?

_in high school, I was raised in a family where grades were the number one thing. I mean at an early age of 12 (maybe 3rd grade) my parents ingrained in our heads that if you came home with a bad grade, you should not really come home at all...

I remember that sometimes I would be afraid of coming home, getting off the bus and walking down the long meandering driveway...up the stone slated steps and seeing my mother at the doorway...sometimes, I would start then and there to cry...

See, I look back at this now and say, "man my parents disciplined me so well and this is how I am the way I am today.". But yes, my parents did not even have to say one word and we would scold ourselves.

Anyways, back to the point, my parents kept saying that education was the number one priority, especially when we got into high school and grades mattered to enroll into college. I studied all the time and to me, I never really truly dated in high school. (I had my first kiss, but nothing much further than that...)

To me, friendship was everything. Since my parents owned a restaurant, I would never really see my parents on the weekends...so my friends took the roll as being my family at the time (I entrust many of my high school friends still to this day) I liked many of my friends, but never truly dated any of them because they steered me to a path where friendship was a stronger bond than a relationship. So, from that period on, friendship is far better than any relationship that I have ever had.

Ok...so what does this have to do with anything of the main point with Peanut...

Let's just say that Peanut had troubles with her boy and I was there to have her cry on my shoulder and make right. Make right of what I saw the guy do to her, was the same way that I did to Peanut a year ago...it was horrible!

The fact of what I did at the time to make peanut mad, sad and full of emotions of after, was yes a realization of all the bad antics of what I had done...and I am sorry!

To me at the time, I wanted to save our friendship. I was at a. Bad place in my life where nothing fit, everything just crumbled and the state of mind is what I never want to be again in my life. I was a miserable person and know it, but realize that I need to work on this relationship aspect of myself...

I run to run because I feel myself on a run. I do all these crazy things because I feel that I need to fill in the space in my life where if I needed to share my time with someone, by doing these marathons, keeping busy and being the person of who I am...

Life is crazy...but life is full of life learned lessons...

1 comment:

nyflygirl said...

nice post B...I can relate to quite a bit of it.

i know things will look up for you this year!! c-ya soon :)