2/21/11

Thursday -Signs...

There are many different signs that boggle my mind when I think about how my grandmother left...

3 sneezes:
My grandmother taught us a saying for 3 sneezes in chinese to wish you a blessing. I found this strange when my grandmother left us after her sneezes and how my Aunt said those three blessings for the sneezes right before my grandmother left.

Purple
Since my grandmother had the Alzheimer's Disease, the color significant to that disease: Purple. My grandmother was wearing a purple cloak as her final garment. The Empire State Building's colors were Yellow and Purple (westminister dog show) that first night of the wake and the flags and signs for the cars during the funeral session were the color purple...weird?

The number 8...
My grandmother was almost 88 years of age, she had alzheimer's for 8 years and the chinese significant for good luck is the number 8.

Overall:
My grandmother was a very lucky person. She really brought luck into our lives and we should be lucky to share her personality, her honor and her luck. She raised my family well and I thank her for that.
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Presence

Honor the dead, but live with the living...

Yes, I have been mentally depressed, why? Seriously?

I deep down know that I must move on...but the weary and dreary troubles have deeply succumb to just a mental rutt. I don't do well with death, passing and any mortality. I remember the memories that we shared and cared so deeply...it takes time, but as I cope alone, this is not a very good thing either...

On Friday, my sister, LR, cousin and his wife (LK), and his friend JR, all had dinner together in NJ. It was a very good thing that we did because we barely get to spend time with my sister due to her living in Hawaii. We only get to see her on the holidays and special occasions...next time I do get to see her will be when we run Big Sur together...

It was a very good time where we laughed, loved and cheered each other up from the week before. LR and I barely got the bus back as we zoomed to catch it...boy it was a close call, but we made it back ok.

LR told me that I needed to cheer up. My ambiance of emotion from my job to this recent passing has effected my mood and really bothered her. I needed to get over this and move on...cheer up...and live. It was hard, but she was right.
I still needed to honor my grandmother, but move on and live with the living...make my own mark and be happy...because life moves on, and you do need to live your life as well...

I do know I need to be cheerier, think happy thoughts and move on with my own life...

See a new light...
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Honor

So...last Saturday my sister told me that my family again honored my Grandma, they visited the burial site as my sister said that as they started buring the "funeral money" snow flurries started floating from the sky...and as they stopped...the snow flurries stopped as well...

My sister said it was a sign from my grandma that she was happier now, she was with my grandfather and we can now move on...

It will take time...indeed take time...
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2/16/11

The Funeral

1926-2011...87,88,89...

Who really knows, who cares...

My grandmother was such a good lady. It was our final goodbye's today...it seemed so final and wrong.

Life...the joys of a birth, the sorrows of death and the finalized that everyone goes through with life's struggles.

It's scary sometimes that nothing else in the world matters once a tragic thing happens in your life. Every little bit just vanishes and you are left with simple effects in life...family/friends, life, love and laughter.

It was a long day...as we had the morning ceremony, the concession of saying goodbye as each and every family broke down...it was just so hard to watch my cousin (who daily cared for my grandmother) as he is one of the closest of family members to keep the "glue" tied with all.

Seeing all of our families to say our last goodbyes, it was rather sad and hard to deal with. Seeing my mother break was even more heartbreaking because she kept busy with everything...she's a busy bee and when it was finally time to say good-bye it was really sad to see my mother finally release all of her emotions and grieve.

I thought I was going to be ok...I mean I teared up from time to time, but when the final run of friends lined up...then siblings had to say our final goodbye, it was really sad and I lost it...my sister turned around to take care of me, but really it was just that last thought...the struggles for 8 years, the lasting impressions.

After that moment, I was ok, but the rest of the family teared up and then the emotions just poured...I guess I spread the flood gates of emotion.

But that is that.

We drove up to the cemetery, did the final ceremony and the sad part was seeing her go...

It was a long day...after that, eating with the family and honoring my grandma...

But deep down, I know need to always remember that my grandmother was always gone from that moment she left us, her spirit still lives and is with us all...

I need to always remember that...always!

Love you grandma, I will always cherish the good times we shared and wished that we could have had you back for those 8 years...but time is lost and we will always cherish the memories.

I will keep fighting for you...and all the other families with the disease...
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The long road home...

Dear Grandma,

We shared some great memories as I know your spirit is at a better place. You are with Grandpa now and with Rolly, enjoying a nice walk and a better life.

We will miss you here though as times will be hard, joyful and solemn. But we will always have lasting memories. Some memories that you lost for the past 8 years with the Alzheimer's Disease.

My mind always races back to when I was little as you would take care of us. I remember climbing into bed as you tucked me in and made sure everything was always ok.

Memories of you always asking if we had eaten or not. And when we always said we had, you still offered more food to us...as we explained we had eaten pizza, you would gasp and say " PIIIIZZZZAA!!!" Like it was the worst thing to eat. But those are the fond memories. You were always caring, thoughtful and that was always in your nature. You always would put us in front and make sure that we were ok, safe and secure.

I have learned yesterday that time is precious. I have always taken for granted the past 10 years...look back at the past 10 years, where both you and grandpa were so youthful. I regret the moments that we could have shared, the happiness, rejoice and memories...

We will never say goodbye, because I know you will always be there with me in my life. You shared your best qualities and always taught us the right ways.

My only regret is the last goodbye I had said to you. I knew the time was near, but never knew that it was going to be the last.

Your spirit lives forever and believe you need to move on to a happier life.

We will never say good bye Grandma and thank you for everything.
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2/15/11

Wake...

Dreading today...

As I woke up today, it was one of those days where you just wanted to crawl back into bed.
I looked up at the sky wondering if and what my grandmother would be. I envisioned that she is on a journey (almost like scrooge in the night before Christmas) where his spirit visits different places and he sees the events that are going on. This is what I envision what my grandma would be like, visiting the family during the wake which happens this afternoon.

I envision different activities, such as candy, eating oranges, etc...where I would be with my grandmother during her more saner years. She was a kind women, always looking after me because I was the youngest of the grandchildren.
I sometimes feel useless due to the fact that we have yet found a cure for this cause...

I worked at NYRR for the morning session. GW visits me as he explains that this disease is not just for "old age" it applies for the useage of how a person reacts. During the 8 years that my grandmother had the Alzheimer's disease, she could have been with her family. Not like the later stages (about 4 years ago) where she lost her memory oh so slowly.

This is what we are fighting for...and of course the early onset of this disease where some don't even see past the age of 40.

Time will tell...only time will tell...

Till then, the afternoon will be dreary.

At least the sun is shining...
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2/14/11

V-Day

Well...what can I say...V-day is not really a great holiday for me as now I will always keep it dear to my heart of keeping this day in light of my grandmother.

This weekend was filled with family and well...keeping the happiness in my life. LR kept me busy by celebrating V-day early with a cooking class. It was fun as we learned how to bake tarts of all kinds...dessert and apps.

My sister came on Sunday morning as my cousin and I went to pick her up...it's always good to see my sister from time to time as she is always on the up scaled hyper fun loving person. She brings the chatter and laughter out of us all...I guess, or maybe it's just the fond memories that we share together.

Anyways, today is V-day and it's somewhat special. All my plans are dampered still due to the fact of my emotions that I try to hide. Is this good? The light will shine tomorrow as the wake and funeral will follow. It will be tough, because my grandmother meant so much to me and my childhood. I was the youngest, so my grandmother and everyone took care of me. Scary huh?

I tried to take care of my grandmother and any others with the fight against the Alzheimer's disease. Sometimes it seems useless...now that things have taken over, but in light, sometimes you need to fight harder.

My life sometimes I feel is in shambles...I can't seem to find a job that I am looking for, that I will enjoy and really put my foot in front and say that I am proud of what I do. I need that. I need something to bring me to great happiness...not saying that I am not happy at all now, but there are times where it seems hopeless...how can I provide for a future, family and growth? I need something...and therefore go into a depressional state.

I found that sometimes the weather effects my moods now. Now the winter weather is amongst us. I am finding that since I am out in the cold all day, I don't want to venture out into the cold when I get back home for a run. I don't want to do it...and training? Yes...I am failing on this as well...

Life will be better. It will get better and hope to shoot for the stars...

I just need to refocus and keep plowing away...

The next two days will be rough though...time will only tell...
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2/11/11

The Long Journey...

The long journey...we shared some good times and I will always have that in my memory. Thank you grandma, you will always be with me forever.

2/10/11

The lost road

I have taken this path once before. I have taken this bus, again and again...

First was the time my grandfather passed away, but I was there. Last week when I went to a family function to see my cousins that I haven't seen in 15 years...

And now...I sit crying. I remember. I await for my family...

Am I selfish for trying to do something better today. Should I have stepped out and gone home right away once my cousin called me this morning. I was planning on going to see my grandmother tonight, but maybe that was too late.

I remember the days in which I would stay over at my grandma's place at night, when I was little. I try to do everything right, but find that this disease is so much bigger than what I had vested in...I feel hopeless!

I didn't want to be there. To be quite honest, I had seen my grandfather pass away and take his last breathe and it was a painful memory. I can not say the least that maybe I was a little selfish by not seeing my grandmother one last time, but there are no regrets. I did not want to see it happen again.

There is so much that we fight for. So much that we strive in our lives that we don't appreciate what is right in front of our faces sometimes.

I had thought I was ready, prepared for this day about 4 years ago, when my grandma first got this disease. Everytime my sister and mother would call me, I would freak out...4 years later...this happens.

I have lost someone that I care about so deeply. So much more than I could imagine...

I am confused. Struggling to survive.

The road we all pave sometimes seems hopeless...but be hope to keep fighting and fight another day...
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2/2/11

Monday - Start another Part time job...

So...that NYRR part time job that I had received?

Yeah, I started it...it seems like it will be a very good thing...although, the timing from place to place is a bit daunting.

Waking up a little earlier, going to work in the factory in the morning sessions and doing the regular administrative sessions for the NYRR in this program in the afternoon...

It was a quiet day, understanding the new job and getting settled in.

In the evening, I teammed up with VC for a TFK core session training...where I was about 2 hours early, but thought I was going to be 15 minutes late!

I'm going crazy!
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