3/7/11

My trip planned...

Things have not been going so smoothly in my life at this point, and I had committed to a trip with LR that I would hope to swing my moods around.

LR had been planning to do the Barcelona Marathon ever since after the New York City Marathon had ended in November. So I compromised averting a planned marathon that I had already planned for: The New Orleans Marathon to do the Barcelona Marathon (and escape from the troubles and worries of my life to date) to see a city and country that I have never been to in my life.

I had been troubled at first booking the flight, hotel and doing the Barcelona Marathon due to the roller coaster ride of feeling uneasy with my grandmother's recent condition and then passing (which happened the weekend before the Marti Gras Marathon, so I would have not been able to do the marathon anyways...)

I needed something fresh, new and exciting in my life and have a break from reality. I have been working 4 different jobs and when I was working as an architect, I had not taken any time off for vacations...so...in 3 years, I was going to somewhere and someplace that I was thrilled about.

Little did I know that when I had gotten to Barcelona, Spain...my thoughts and troubles had followed me and I had a tough time "letting" go...and "actually" enjoying myself. LR showed me the ropes and was kind and patient...

When we had gotten to Barcelona, it was not the usual weather that I had expecting: the warm dry summer sun basking on your face, making you smile and laugh, bringing the bright colors of the spanish sun baked tiles reflecting from every corner of the city...a little illusion?

Yes, this is what I had first imagined about the city from grade school when I first tried to learn the language and seeing pictures. But it rained and it was cold, which changed my moods drastically. The moods that I had already had before in NYC had followed me and I was again worried about one thing: Money...and a job...

Being on vacation is not at all how a person in my situation would "enjoy" a vacation (definition: to vacate one's own life and not worry about something else...)

I did not feel as though I could "vacate" my life right now (I should have...I was in a beautiful city, with a person I care about and everything going for me...why worry about your life if you are already there...might as well enjoy it? Right?). I am a worrier though, that's who I am and what I have become. I am consumed in my own misery that I was so occupied by that and not enjoying what I had in front of me. In many ways, I did not deserve all of this. I did not deserve a vacation. I did not deserve to be in this beautiful place, with a beautiful person and actually "enjoy" myself...how could I? When I had all of that behind me at home?

I had one thing going for me that didn't strike up the moods that much, which was that I had an interview waiting for me when I get back...and that brings me to the next thing...

I had just gotten word from submitting my resume and status in re-applying for an architecture firm and head hunters that the market is going back up!

I'm going back to architecture now, knowing the fact that I have tried this whole running career, but I don't think it will land me a full time job. I know that now and can realize that I can work this both ways. I can work with the fact that I need to focus on my career, future and life...move on from this misery...am I happier now? Not at all! I am tired of all of this moving around and trying to keep one from the other. Yes, the jobs are easier to me, but it doesn't leave much of a challenge in life and the appreciation may be there, but I know what my degree holds and I know that I need to get back into something before I completely lose all of my senses and skills.

Barcelona? Yes...that's in the next segment...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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